Lost in Transcription
by tuxiedog2
Summary: Holy mint milanos! Charlie's got a new addiction! Follow our wonderful friend and his wonderful friends as he explores the island and discovers......well, you'll just have to read to find out.....mwahahahaha
1. Caution: Caffeine At Work

LOST IN TRANSCRIPTION

_Claire walked out from behind a tree. "Greetings, I have a message from the author, since author notes are not allowed…Hello and welcome to my most awesome little awesome fanfic. At the time that I am writing this, I haven't even started writing the actually story nor have any idea what it is about. Nevertheless, I KNOW that it is awesome. LIVE WITH IT._

_Yes, I am straying away from my usual Lord of the Rings fanfics and diving into the world of LOST!!! (YAY awesome show!) _

_And, yes, the inspiration for the title did come partly from a movie which I haven't seen. The other part came from way too many hours of studying DNA for bio midterms! _

_So, without further ado…"_

_AND CLAIRE WENT BACK BEHIND THE TREE...._

* * *

CHAPTER ONE

Caution: Caffeine at Work

* * *

Charlie surveyed the island and sighed. What was to become of him? Of Claire? Of everyone else on the island? WHAT? WHAT? WHAT????? The suspense was killing him…

So, he took out his handy new heroin replacement: STARBUCKS!!!

How he got Starbucks on this random isolated island, nobody knows. But he had it. And whenever he took out his trusty Pumpkin Spice Latte, Mocha Frappuchino, or even the Special Christmas Blend, he began to wonder why he even tried heroin in the first place. Because how could anything be more amazing than Starbucks?

After his caffeine buzz from his Vanilla Crème, which, by the way, doesn't even have caffeine, he stood up, clutched his head because the blood temporarily left it when he stood up too fast, and surveyed the island once more.

Jack and Kate were arguing over who belonged to the pair of purple toe socks they found (Kate insisted that she bought them in Sydney, but Jack argued that they brought out the elegant shape of his toes).

Shannon was sleeping, muttering random French sentences and shouting "CREPES!!! CREPES!!!".

And Ethan was sitting on the beach, chomping and slurping away on the slivers of meat still left on a fish skeleton.

Wait…ETHAN?!?!?!?!?!?

Charlie exploded up the beach, whipping out a coffee stirrer (yes, while a primitive weapon it was all Charlie had on hand). "WHERE IS SHE?!?!?!?!" he shrieked, pouncing onto the man and sinking the stirrer into the sand between his arm and torso (ok, he needed a few stabbing tips from Sayid…) "WHERE IS SHE?!?!?! WHERE IS SHE?!?!?! WHERE IS SHE?!?!?!?"

Ethan calmly sat up. "I don't know," he responded coolly. He then proceeded to stand up, take the coffee stirrer in his hand, take out a hole punch, and punch "POTHEAD" on the stirrer, then handed it back to Charlie.

"Pothead?" asked Charlie, studying the piece of wood. "But it wasn't pot! It was -" But when he looked up…Ethan was gone. Charlie swore he heard whispers of "Believe…believe…" on the wind and the jingle of sleigh bells. He shrugged. Just the island playing tricks on him.

Charlie ran up to Jack. "Jack!" he shouted. "Jack! I SAW HIM! I SAW HIM! I FRIGGIN SAW ETHAN!!!"

"Are you sure?" asked Jack.

"YES!" cried Charlie.

"Positive?" asked Jack.

"YES!" cried Charlie for a second time.

"I need you to be completely sure…" insisted Jack being his level-headed self.

"YES!!! YES!!! YEEEEESSSSS!!!!!!!!"

Jack paused. "Charlie…I want you to take these sedatives…"

"NO!!! I DON'T NEED ANY FRIGGIN SEDATIVES!!! I'VE GOT CAFFEINE!!!" And Charlie stomped off.

* * *

Yes, caffeine was a man's best friend, Charlie decided. Better not tell Vincent, though. 

Speaking of Vincent, the dog jogged up to Charlie and sniffed his Peppermint Espresso. "NO!" Charlie screamed. "MINE MINE MINE MINE!!!"

Regardless, Vincent jumped up on Charlie, knocking him over, and grabbed the caffeine-infused beverage in his jaws. Charlie sniffled as he watched the dog leaping into the distance, then started sobbing. Coffee was his friend…

Suddenly, he saw it. Something in the distance. It looked like…a large coffee cup? It couldn't be. But was it? As soon as he refocused his eyes…it was gone.

He strided off in what he believed to be the correct direction.

But before he could find what he was looking for, he was stopped.

Charlie's jaw dropped.

* * *

_Claire walked out from behind the tree again. "Yes, I know it's stupid. Yes, I knows it's bad. Yes, I know it's not funny. But leave me a review and tell me exactly what you think! _

_Yes, as you can tell…I LOVE CHARLIE!!!_

_Tata for now…I'll write more if I have the time…and you all want me to!"_

_Then BACK BEHIND THE TREE SHE WENT…_


	2. Reptiles and Measurement Problems

_Claire walked out from behind a rock (trees were SO last chapter…). "Greetings again, my fellow humans. Time for the next installment of 'Lost in Transcription'! But, before we start, an announcement…_

_Thank you to our wonderful reviewer for pointing out that author's notes are allowed. We DID figure this out…but not until we were 'creating the story' and decided that Claire would make a better narrator of sorts than just a stupid author's note. But _merci_ all the same. We here on the island LOVE our reviewers…_

_And now, with much pleasure, we bring to you…the second chapter of LOST IN TRANSCRIPTION!!!"_

_

* * *

_

CHAPTER TWO

Reptiles and Measurment Problems

* * *

Charlie didn't know much in the way of measurements. He failed that part of fourth grade when they learned about inches and all that crap. But he was pretty sure that his mouth was open a good amount…probably a meter? Or was that centimeter……..

Standing there, right before his eyes, was…

IGGY THE WONDER IGUANA WITH A MEXICAN MOUSTACHE!!!

Charlie couldn't believe his bright, beautiful seeing mechanisms. An iguana on the island? It made no friggin sense……

But then it occurred to him…could this facial-haired reptile have any idea where his elephantine cup of java was headed off to?

"_Hola,_ Chalie…"

THE IGUANA SPEAKS thought Chalie.

"…you may not know me. I am IGGY THE WONDER IGUANA WITH THE MEXICAN MOUSTACHE…"

I KNOW thought Chalie.

"…and I bring tidings of great joy…"

OOO GOODY JOY thought Charlie.

"…for unto us on this day…"

FOR SOME REASON I JUST THOUGHT OF CHRISTMAS thought Charlie.

"…an especially delicious beverage is born…"

MMMMMMM BEVERAGE thought Charlie.

"…and you will have to find it…"

WHERE? Thought Charlie.

"You will have to discover that on your own…" And IGGY THE WONDER IGUANA WITH THE MEXICAN MOUSTACHE vanished…

HE CAN READ THOUGHTS? Thought Charlie. He also wondered why so many people seemed to be disappearing on this island. Oh well, back to business…

He galloped off into the sunset on his trusty caffeine high.

* * *

Soon he reached the caves. "I will have to bring rations on my adventure…quest…thing…" he told himself. Stealthily and carefully, he made sure nobody was watching.

Everyone was sleeping. Charlie noticed that Jack was wearing purple toe socks.

Content that nobody was awake, he pulled a duffel bag out from behind a rock and unzipped it. Inside was the secret to how he had gotten Starbucks on this island…

it was…

_**Narrator chokes on a piece of lemon meringue pie and dies, convulsing on the floor. A new one is brought in…**_

Ah, yes, where were we? Anyway…

Charlie gazed longingly at his stash. But what if he ran out? Oh well, he'd worry about that when it happens. But for now, he would need to pack it for his adventure.

"What's in there?"

Charlie jumped five meters in the air. Or was that inches…

Locke stepped out from the shadows. "So?" he asked. "What's in there?"

"Uh…nothing…" a almost-pissed-his-pants Charlie replied.

"Well, if you didn't throw the last of your drugs in the fire, I would have guessed it was that."

"Uh…I'm…going on a trip."

"Where to?"

"Well, I saw this thing in the woods, but it disappeared. I'm going to find it."

Locke smiled contently and crossed him arms, leaning back a bit. "It appears you are chasing your White Chocolate Mocha Latte."

Charlie's eyes lit up. "THEY MAKE THOSE??????" he asked excitedly. He jumped up, grabbed some boar ribs off the fire, and ran off into the woods. Locke heard cried of "WHITE CHOCOLATE!!!" echo back from the darkness.

HE'S ON HIS WAY Locke thought. AND HE'S NOT COMING BACK…

* * *

_Claire walked out from behind a stump (rocks were SO beginning of this chapter…) "Hello, I hope you all thoroughly enjoyed that chapter…mucho thanks to the author's wonderful sister for giving IGGY THE WONDER IGUANA WITH THE MEXICAN MOUSTACHE when the author asked her for a completely random word. Mucho thanks, sister of author!" _


	3. Ouch: And that's foreshadowing!

_Claire walked out from behind Sawyer (Sawyer doesn't notice and eats a fish). "Hello, I jus walked out from behind an incredibly hot man. Anyway, we are back with a brand new chapter! Again, please be forewarned that this story may contain spoilers to plot points in episodes that have played in the USA, but possibly not in other countries. Anyway…onward!"_

_----------------------------------_

**CHAPTER THREE**

**Ouch…(and that's foreshadowing!)**

**------------------------------------**

Charlie was excited. He was pumped. He was energized. He was hyper. He was READY! He was running off into the jungle to find his White Chocolate Mocha Latte!

He bounded off into the forest…trees whipped past him…he running….he was FLYING! WHEEEEEEEE it was so fun! RUNNING RUNNING RUNNING! He threw his head in the wind and opened his mouth in glee…

Then, a rock came out of nowhere and he tripped. Ouch.

The ground was brown, he decided. Because he could definitely see it now.

When he looked up, a familiar face was staring at him.

"Hello, Charlie…" IGGY THE WONDER IGUANA WITH THE MEXICAN MOUSTACHE said.

"IGGY!" Charlie cried. "You're here to assist me!"

"Not quite," IGGY said. "I am here to tell you that you are SPECIAL."

"SPECIAL?" asked Charlie. "Why?"

"BEACUSE I SAID SO," said IGGY. "Now, follow me."

"But how will I know why I am special?" asked Charlie.

"The island will give you a sign," said IGGY.

Hours later, Charlie and IGGY THE WONDER IGUANA WITH THE MEXICAN MOUSTACHE were tromping through the woods.

Charlie was still excited, but decided not to run this time. He was leaving a trail of blood from a cut on his right buttocks cheek. He wasn't sure how it got there, because he didn't fall onto his tush when he fell down. He had fallen onto his face.

IGGY burped.

Charlie suddenly realized that he had become quite hungry. He also realized that he didn't know what iguanas ate.

"Hey, IGGY?" asked Charlie. "What do iguanas eat?"

"The island will give you a sign," IGGY replied. "Well, it actually has already." A drop of blood fell from his mouth, and he burped again.

Charlie tripped again. But this time, it wasn't because of a rock. It was because he was sooooo hungry.

"IGGY, when will we eat?" he asked.

"When the island gives us a sign," IGGY insisted.

Suddenly, Charlie spotted a packet of some fake-sugar-substitute kind of thing in a branch of a tree. "What could this be from?" Charlie asked. IGGY pulled on a string that just HAPPENED to be attached to the tree. Suddenly, a huge bag of wooden coffee stirrers fell from the tree. "WHAT COULD THIS MEAN?" asked IGGY.

"I don't care," said Charlie. "I'm eating this nourishment."

"But it has no calories!" IGGY squealed. "Come, we shall more food."

"When?" asked Charlie.

"When the island gives us a sign," IGGY answered.

THEN THE ISLAND GAVE THEM A SIGN.

Charlie stepped out from behind the tree he was behind to find a small clearing. THERE, IN THE TREES, WAS…

"Holy Chantico," Charlie breathed.

Again, there, in the trees, was…

A STARBUCKS!

"There's your sign," IGGY sighed as he rolled his eyes.

_Claire stepped out from behind Sawyer again. Sawyer looked up, saw Claire, grunted, and went back to eating his fish. "We hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as Sawyer is enjoying his fish," Claire stated. "Tune in next time for the next chapter of Lost in Transcription. What kind of sign is the island giving Charlie by giving him a Starbucks? Will he find his White Chocolate Mocha Latte inside? Will he ever find proper nourishment or will he die of calorie-deprivation? Find out in the next chapter of LOST IN TRANSCRIPTION!_


	4. Death and Discovery

LOST IN TRANSCRIPTION

_Claire walked out from behind CHARLIE, who was in the middle of staring at the newly-found Starbucks. "YAY!" she shrieked. "CHAPTER FOUR CHAPTER FOUR CHAPTER FOUR!" She then skipped off into the jungle from her abundance of excitement._

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CHAPTER 4

Death and Discovery

-------------------------

Charlie glanced around. He could have SWORN he hear someone shrieking from excitement behind him. Oh well. He turned back to the STARBUCKS!

It was sparkly. It was glistening. It was radiant. It was shining. It was metallic. It was oozing some sort of angelic music. IT WAS AMAZING. PERIOD.

Charlie sighed. IGGY sighed. The two of them sighed, entranced by the sight that had decided to grace their eyes. MAGNIFICENT.

Then Charlie's stomach growled.

Snapping out of his trance, Charlie determinedly glared at the Starbucks. "Hmmmmmmm…." he said. "IGGY, what kind of a sign is THIS?" He glanced over to his reptilian compatriot.

IGGY WAS LYING ON THE GROUND, DEAD.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Charlie sobbed as he dropped to the ground next to his companion. "WHAT WILL I DO WITHOUT YOU, IGGY? WHO WILL TELL ME I'M SPECIAL? WHO WILL TELL ME THAT THE ISLAND WILL GIVE ME A SIGN? WHO WILL EAT MY BUTTOCKS?"

IGGY did not respond. He was dead, after all.

Charlie thought. "IGGY (sob) must have brought me here to this location for a reason…" he said to himself. He glanced up at the Starbucks again.

I'M GOING IN he thought.

He stood up, brushed the dirt off of his knees, and strode over to the tree nearest to him that was supporting the Starbucks. He grasped either side of the trunk with his hands, and hoisted himself up.

After a few minutes of climbing this tree like some sort of an awkward, ugly koala, Charlie finally was able to grab the front stoop with his right hand. Glancing at his fingers, he somehow realized that instead of "LATE" or "FATE" written on them, "IGGY" was now mystically written. Nodding his head in acknowledgement, he hoisted himself into the ajar Starbucks door.

No lights were on, and the only lamps in the building hung at crooked angles. Everything in front of him was covered in a thin layer of dust: the plush purple armchairs, the petite café tables, the empty garbage cans, even the aged coffee machines. He carefully tiptoed up to the counter. All was silent…

"Hello?" he called. His voice bounced around the room, but was soon absorbed by the collection of dust. Silence.

Walking along the length of the counter, his hand eventually came to rest on a small hinged door. It creaked open, and he stepped behind the counter. Still, all dust. Glancing around, his eyes suddenly found the seemingly only two items in the store without a speck of dust: a coffee machine, and a single Venti-sized coffee cup.

Slowly and deliberately and as though it was controlled by a puppeteer, Charlie found his left hand being drawn to the cup and his right to the coffee machine. DON'T! he thought. THIS CAN'T BE GOOD!… but before he could stop it, the coffee was in the cup.

He stared at the contents of the cup. A frothy, white substance was swirling in its keep. The liquid seemed to give off a kind of glow…it was beautiful…he felt his face being drawn closer and closer…

Charlie jerked away. NO! THIS COULD BE LETHAL! He thought.

His hands tightened on the cup…

NO!

He felt his hands raising the cup…

BAD HANDS!

His lips graced the side of the cup…

NOOO! RETREAT! RETREAT!

His hands were tipping the cup…..

NOOOOOOO - HEY, WAIT. THIS ISN'T TOO BAD…

He felt the frothy warmness pout down his throat….the taste was indescribable. He tasted hints of caramel, coffee, chocolate, sushi….wait. WHITE CHOCOLATE?

Suddenly, a white mist clouded Charlie's eyes. He felt his body go numb, then limp. He couldn't see anything…..he felt his head hit tile….that must be the floor….a hoot liquid scald him…that must be the coffee….pain radiated from his head…..it was splitting….it was AWFUL…….black started to encase his world……

A white shape floated above his face….there was green on it too…he felt himself being lifted….he was passing the coffee machines….he was going through the hinged door on the counter…..he was passing the dusty plush purple armchairs and petite café tables…..he was going out the door…..he felt a soft, gliding descend…..

His eyes cleared for a split second. He could of sworn he could make out a shape in green on the whiteness of his guardian…

Charlie gasped. It hit him.

"ARE YOU MY WHITE CHOCOLATE MOCHA LATTE?" he asked the blurred white shape in front of his eyes. He couldn't make it out…if he could, he could find out if he had found his elephantine cup of java at last…..

He blacked out.

_Claire walked out from behind the corpse of IGGY THE WONDER IGUANA WITH A MEXICAN MOUSTACHE. "We apologize for the fact that this chapter wasn't was funny as previous ones. We are truly sorry. Anyhow, keeping looking (and probably waiting) for the next chapter! Merry Christmas!" Then she walked into the woods…_


End file.
